Posts Tagged ‘Rubbish’

Wow, Hollywood never ceases to amaze me. If you read my blog then chances are that you’ve seen me ranting pretty fervently about the impending Akira remake. It just gets worse though…

I’ve just seen a trailer on IGN for an upcoming action flick called Bad Ass, starring Danny Trejo and I am gobsmacked. Not in a good way.

Ok, so Trejo is clearly a BEAST, sporting some particularly admirable facial hair. Uber Mexican. But seemingly his new role is playing the part of a humble Youtube hero – not quite Machete (MA-CHET-AY). Has Hollywood really created a whole film based on a viral Youtube clip?!

See for yourself:


Now see the original Youtube clip:


What’s next Hollywood, Charlie Bit my finger starring Charlie Sheen? Although that is definitely a true story.

Bob Mortimer today revealed on Twitter that hilarious comedy panel show Shooting Stars has been cancelled by the Beeb.

😥

 

What a travesty!

Ok, so admittedly Vic & Bob were not quite at top form in their most recent series of Shooting Stars, and arguably they cannot adequately get away with their silly, surrealist comedy when they are now balding. But they are innately funnier than most of the shit that the BBC passes for comedy these days.

How in God’s name can they justify cancelling such a popular show when they allow horrendous programs like My Family to continue into their 11th series!

RIP boys. I sincerely hope that Dave picks you up! You’d fit in perfectly with their schedules and they could use something new to dilute the repeats.

I am gutted. So very, very gutted.

If you’ve been following my blog for a while you may have seen an early post about the plans for a shambolic Hollywood remake of anime classic, Akira. The biggest gripe I had was with the rumoured cast, which was solely made up of “renowned” Caucasian actors. Early whispers suggested that  ‘J to the T’ Justin Timberlake and powder-faced vamp-twat Robert Pattinson were forerunners for the leading roles.

It has now been revealed that Kristen Stewart, the bi-species loving heroine from Twilight (just Frankenstein for her to pull now and she’s done the horror threeway), is rumoured to have been offered the role of Kei, Kaneda’s lady friend. Is this going to be another bloody Twilight? Why not get that other pig-nosed bloke involved too and be done with it.

Also, since when was bestiality praised in cinema. You’re getting off with a wolf for Christ’s sake!

Time for a boycott me thinks.

Even Kristen felt sick to her stomach knowing she had been offered the role.

So, after the amazing success of the first night of the Dialogue Festival and with the prospect of seeing Richard Herring in a small church, to say I was excited is an understatement.

And you know what they say about having high expectations setting you up for a fall? Well, let’s just say they weren’t bloody wrong!

The second night, called TechnoBabble, kicked off with an off the cuff introduction from the man himself, Richard Herring. To the delight of the low capacity crowd (maybe 25 – 30 people), he ignored the script he’d been given in favour of some improvised comedy, actually ridiculing the cheesy, planned lines he had been handed. Our appetites whet, Richard then left to perform an intro at another venue, leaving us with our first act, so to speak, in the form of Perez Hilton.

When advertised, infamous blogger Perez Hilton was described as a ‘special guest’. Although he lives in America, he’s such a D-List celebrity that it was fair to assume that First Direct had flown him out to London for this very show. This was not the case…..

To be honest, I didn’t have any real desire to see him in person, so was more than happy to view his smiling bonce from 600 miles away. But it seemed a little cheeky to advertise him as a guest when really he was only appearing via Skype. Jesus, I could probably get him on Skype now! Essentially, Perez’s set formed an introduction to a story telling method known as ‘pecha kuchas’. A pecha kucha is a collection of 20 slides, each with 20 seconds of spoken word creating a narrative. What does pecha kucha even really mean though? I assume that it’s Japanese for something like ‘tedious and annoying’; almost sounds like Ashton Kutcher too, fitting. Mr Hilton was to deliver his own pecha kucha (recorded I might add), which was then to be followed by a live Q & A.

This idea was pretty pointless and uninteresting right from the outset. What would Perez Hilton even have to offer us as a story? Maybe an enlightening commentary on the socio-political atmosphere in Libya? Ah no, just a shitty explanation of how he came to fame. Just what I wanted….

God was clearly present that night in the church though. Proof for all you atheists if ever you needed it! Perez’s set was immeasurably improved by a technical failing which meant that there were no slides present as he was talking. Consequently, the audience had no idea what he was referring to whatsoever (like we cared anyway) which made every new slide more and more hilarious. It didn’t ever matter what he had to say anymore. As soon as he opened his mouth to another failed slide the audience could not help but snigger.

The Q & A wasn’t any more successful. Richard Herring had not yet returned so instead a random techy from the back grabbed the mic to converse with Perez. No-one may even have registered that this was another f*^k up if the anonymous replacement hadn’t opened his conversation with “Sorry Perez, if I knew I was doing this tonight, I would have been better dressed.” Well done that man.. that’s that illusion shattered. In all fairness, if this poor guy was a last minute stand-in then he didn’t do a horrible job. It’s just unfortunate that he had about as much charisma as some wilting spinach. He chatted away to Perez for a bit, asking particularly uninteresting questions, notably from a piece of paper that had clearly been prepped 5 minutes earlier. After 5 or 6 questions he started looking to the crowd for questions, he had run out and was desperate for some support. Sadly he was not to be rescued yet. The audience had patently lost interest in this part of the show and were no more engaged by the prospect of getting to talk to this “celebrity”. No-one wanted to ask a question, apart from one bloke who requested “Can we see your slides?” to the delight of the crowd. It got to the point that the surrogate compere actually planted some questions with a few members of the audience in the hope that it would seem a successful, even ongoing part of the show. Disastrously though, with such small numbers in the audience it became clear what he was doing, with only Perez assuming that everything was going swimmingly, not drowning like he was.

Everyone clearly wanted Richard Herring to talk to Perez, optimistic that he would vehemently rip the piss out of him. Replacing him was always going be a tough gig, made all the worse by the failings of the technical team. I ASSUME that they have one but there was no sign of it at all!

Thoroughly disheartened at the night so far and in real need of something entertaining, they then proceeeded to have 4 ”guest” bloggers come on to the stage having apparently won some sort of prize – what was it, to be eaten alive by an angry audience? Clearly no-one in the crowd was interested at this point, especially after the first blogger, physically nervous, read awkward Monkhouse-esque jokes from her phone. Chants of “Herring, Herring, Herring” echoed in the back of my mind….

Luckily 2 of the speakers were at least interesting however; one, Jon Morter, the legendary marketing machine responsible for putting Rage Against the Machine at Christmas number 1, and Trisha Champaneri, a girl whose passion for sport maintained the interest and humour of what was the definition of a ‘tough crowd’.

With hours having passed and disillusioned patrons leaving before the end of the nights proceedings, things were not going well. But wait, next up are Richard Herring and Josie Long! This can only get better surely?! Well yes, technically, but only because the start of the night had been complete s@#t!! What followed was a complete shambles, labelled as a ‘tweet off”. From the outset, I and seemingly everyone else (including the organisers) had very little idea about what this involved. I assumed that this was going to be some kind of mc battle, updated for the technologically minded middle classes. What we got instead was a confused combination of nervous chit chat, mixed in with a few tweets every now and again. And what a surprise, technology was to play another villainous part.

It was obvious immediately that this part of the show had not been tested beforehand. If it had been, the organisers would have soon realised that using only a quarter of the screen to display the 2 twitter pages was entirely ineffectual, making it almost impossible for the audience to see what was going on (especially myopic people in the second row :[ ). Instead it became an absolute necessity for audience members to use their mobile phones to follow what was happening on Twitter, a consequence which obviously lost some of the crowd. Moreover, both Josie and Richard seemed at a loss as to what they were supposed to be doing, tweeting each other or talking to the audience. Most people would struggle to do both effectively, nigh on impossible when you are trying to make people laugh. This resulted in a disastrous, clearly untested techno-fail, readily accepted by both of the comedians:

DialoguefestRH (Richard Herring) – “so I am aware that if we are tweeting we can’t entertain the audience here coz we can’t speak, but if we speak we can’t tweet”  and “this does not work at all”

dialoguefestj (Josie Long) – “PLEASE DON’T TELL THE REST OF THE INTERNET ABOUT THIS GUYS”,  “Why have I done with this with my life?” and “this is purgatory”

It was bitter irony that they both used their Twitter pages to criticise the night whilst they were supposed to be attacking each other. The idea was inevitably doomed from the beginning; in order for the ‘tweet off’ aspect to succeed it was vital for the comedians to direct their attention solely to their Twitter pages, thereby creating a continuous, fluid conversation with each other. However, in doing this they would ignore their audience, in this way obliterating the stand-up aspect. No disrespect to Richard or Josie, they did their very best to entertain a horrendously disheartened crowd, and for what it’s worth they managed to keep us entertained.

To close the night, Richard Herring delivered a thoroughly enjoyable stand-up set. It was a refreshing bout of success on a night where the byword was disaster. Although most of the material was recycled from previous shows (Hitler Moustache / What is Love Anyway?), it was truly delightful to hear him passionately deliver what are very well-written comedy skits. Having seen him twice before, I can easily say that I will never tire of Herring’s comedic talent. He has an obvious skill for comedy writing – he did write for Al Murray’s Pub Landlord though, ouch – and when this is combined with his fluid delivery, his impeccable timing and his natural improv skills he cannot be bettered. He is also great at attacking hecklers, as one Australian female soon found out.

It’s just a shame that he was unforgivably let down by the poor organisation of the event. They were lucky to book such a renowned comedian for such a small-scale gig; I’m sure that won’t be happening again! The biggest irony is that the night, devoted to the use of technology, especially in regards to communication, was let down irrevocably by the tech used in it.

TechnoBabble??  TechnoBollocks.

Paranormal Inactivity

Posted: October 29, 2011 in Cinema, Reviews
Tags: , , ,

How in God’s name can they justify making a trilogy of films where literally nothing happens throughout until the last 10 minutes?! Sorry if that sounds like a little bit of a spoiler about the third film, but if you’ve seen the previous two then you will be under no illusion that anything would have improved.

I am gutted to have paid £13 for a ticket (outrageous West End prices) for essentially 5 minutes of footage that was almost, almost worth watching. I gather that the slow pace of the films is supposed to build suspense until the final ”pay-off”, but unfortunately you are made to care so little by the end that it becomes completely inconsequential. Moreover, the attempt to include some ridiculously vague explanation for the existence of the violent ghosties was absolutely pointless. If anything, it was more damaging, with the lack of plot development making the point entirely redundant.

The only real praise I can give Paranormal Activity 3 is for the inventive inclusion of a moving camera which was surprisingly effective. It did indeed build suspense and was a clever device for drawing the audiences eye towards particular parts of the screen in order to slowly reveal what was happening, whilst creating particular expectations. Beyond this though, the film was a complete waste of time!

Perhaps the scariest thing is the prospect of Paranormal Activity 4 due for a 2012 release. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Don't cry! Hopefully they won't finish making it!!

Originally written December 4th 2010 – Published in Roar! Newspaper

With Halloween waving us goodbye and Coke adverts pervading our televisions, clearly it’s that time of year again. Holidays are coming! So, in the spirit of giving, here is a collection of Christmas musical gold (frankincense and myrrh) to include in your festive playlists – and some tracks you must avoid at all costs! Glad tidings we bring…

TOP 5

Clearly straight...

Wham! – Last Christmas. Is there anything more Christmassy than a young George Michael denying his latent homosexuality? It’s soppy, ever so slightly magical, and undoubtedly many people’s Christmas guilty pleasure. Slow-dancing shoes and mistletoe at the ready…

Skindred – Jungle Bells. With their ragga-metal stylings, Benji and the boys deliver once again with a seasonal song that is sure to get your feet moving and your dreads flailing like a Jamaican Santa.

Jackson 5 – Santa Claus is coming to town.  Despite the controversial media portrayals of Michael Jackson leading up to his death, Jacko remains one of the world’s biggest pop stars. Here’s a chirpy hit from early in his musical career.

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel with dreidel I will play

Radiohead – Winter Wonderland. Radiohead, the kings of British angst, covering a sparkly Christmas number…?! You better believe it. This rare 2002 cover of the Crimbo classic is definitely one for the history books.

Dreidel Song, South Park. ‘Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay. Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play’ – classic Jewish philosophy. This catchy Hanukkah ditty might not be as instantaneously memorable as talking Christmas poo, but it’s still a welcome addition to our December playlist.

FLOP 5

Band Aid – Do They Know It’s Christmas. Back in ’84, celebs banded together to produce one of the most patronising charity songs ever released. Unfortunately, Bono’s questionable line ‘Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you’ managed to single-handedly undercut the charitable sentiment.

It was a white Christmas that year

The New Kids on the Block – Have a Funky Funky Christmas. With worse rapping than Vanilla Ice in Ninja Turtles 2, this ’80s crimbo tragedy is best forgotten. The song couldn’t be any less funky if it tried – James Brown would be turning in his grave.

From First to Last – Christmassacre. Avoid this try-hard alternative tripe (with ‘inspirational’ lines like “Don’t forget your Christmas cheer coz Santa’s going to die this year.”) at all costs. Having said that, the song did supply Pete Wentz’s phone number, initiating perhaps the biggest mass prank-calling in history. Every cloud, eh?

Watch out - the Hoff's about!

Cliff Richard – Mistletoe and Wine. You must watch the video to fully appreciate this cringe-worthy Christmas horror. Mr Richard starts by peering into the window of an unsuspecting child – not creepy at all Cliff – then delivers perhaps the cheesiest pop song you’ve ever heard.

David Hasselhoff – Twas the Night Before Christmas. The most memorable Christmas story ever told, eternally damaged by Baywatch’s tiny-shorts-laden hero. Is it any wonder his best friend was a car? If for some reason you’re taken with the Hoff’s rendition, check out ‘Stille Nacht’, his unintentionally hilarious Christmas tribute to the Germans that adore him so much.