Posts Tagged ‘Twilight’

I am gutted. So very, very gutted.

If you’ve been following my blog for a while you may have seen an early post about the plans for a shambolic Hollywood remake of anime classic, Akira. The biggest gripe I had was with the rumoured cast, which was solely made up of “renowned” Caucasian actors. Early whispers suggested that  ‘J to the T’ Justin Timberlake and powder-faced vamp-twat Robert Pattinson were forerunners for the leading roles.

It has now been revealed that Kristen Stewart, the bi-species loving heroine from Twilight (just Frankenstein for her to pull now and she’s done the horror threeway), is rumoured to have been offered the role of Kei, Kaneda’s lady friend. Is this going to be another bloody Twilight? Why not get that other pig-nosed bloke involved too and be done with it.

Also, since when was bestiality praised in cinema. You’re getting off with a wolf for Christ’s sake!

Time for a boycott me thinks.

Even Kristen felt sick to her stomach knowing she had been offered the role.


Charles Caleb Colton once said, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery”. He obviously never had his favourite anime completely bastardised.

It was reported today that Warner and Legendary Pictures have sent scripts to various Hollywood actors in the hope of securing two protagonists for their impending remake of the classic anime Akira. This in itself is not cataclysmic news, but wait until you hear who are the front runners…

Initially I was entirely apprehensive about the idea of an Akira remake. The film is far too established a cult classic. It’s like remaking Battleship Potempkin; all the style, all the emotion, all the original charm is at risk of being lost, superseded by the modern taste for beautiful but hollow computer-generated visuals. Style crucifying substance. This is especially treacherous with the transformation of a sublimely animated film to live-action. The dangers are numerous: Will the pace and energy of the action-packed narrative mirror what is possible in animation? Will the cast even vaguely resemble the characters we know and love, in both appearance and personality? Quite plainly, how can one replicate the delicate and astounding visual world created by Katsuhiro Otomo?

Slowly, I am coming round. After all, life is about progress, moving forwards, not hankering for the past. It’s just a shame that directors so often look backwards, rather than searching for a new story to be told. We need to unearth the new Akira, not taint what has been made perfect, evolving it into some hideous mutation. I am at very least intrigued by the possibilities. Perhaps, for once, Hollywood can create something fresh and beautiful, something we can all be proud off. And either way, whether it’s a glorious triumph or a horrendous flop, it’ll provide me with some valuable material to discuss.

…This was my feeling until about 1pm today when I heard the update announcing the ‘considered’ actors.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

OMFGWTF. This is both the first and last time I shall do that.

None of these actors are suitable in the least! Forget the fact the Akira tells the story of a bike gang comprising rowdy 14 year old, Japanese school kids… actually, don’t forget that, that’s insane! How in God’s name is James McAvoy or Chris Pine meant to imitate that?? Biology is their greatest bloody enemy. I can just see it now, Chris Pine acting out Tetsuo’s dream sequence with all the gusto and, ahem, emotion he displayed in Unstoppable. Awesome. Not one of those named actors should have even been considered, but Robert ‘R Patzzz’ Patterson and Justin ‘Forget I was ever in Nsync’ Timberlake are particularly offensive. I’m not here to slate them as actors – JT was praised highly for his portrayal of Napster co-founder Sean Parker in The Social Network, and RP, well, erm, he has lovely eyebrows. The biggest issue I have with these two candidates is their notoriety. With actors so globally recognised it’s going to be difficult to overlook their status as they attempt to convince you of their authenticity of character. But this is precisely why they have been shortlisted: draw in the audiences with some big names, regardless of their suitability or the potential damage to the franchise. Such a decision doesn’t bode well for the quality of the film…

If either of these stars are selected it is sure to be a failure. What a Revelation, in the biblical, fire and brimstone, we’re all fucked, sense.